A Few Dance Tips for Follows

A while back, I blogged about dance tips for leads, and promised that I would follow up with dance tips for follows.

1. Let the leads lead. This isn't a gender thing. It's totally based on the role you choose in a particular dance. Only one person can lead per dance, and when you decide to be a follow in that one dance, your job is, well, to follow. If you really want to lead, then I encourage you to switch roles and learn the lead's part. It's fun, it's more work than you might think, and it might even help you become a better follow in the end. 
2. Ask people to dance, but don't be offended by no's. A guy once told me that it's easier to ask a woman to marry you than to ask her to dance. A bit of hyperbole, perhaps, but it is intimidating for a new dancer to approach unfamiliar and gorgeous women such as yourself. When you ask the guy, you spare then the effort on that round, which generally makes it less intimidating to ask you next time. However, sometimes people turn you down. Sometimes, they give you gracious reasons like, "I need a break," or "This song is too fast/slow/old/new for me." Other times, they just turn you down flat. My official advice in the context of this blog is to not take it personally, and don't hold it against them. They probably just sprained their toe or broke up with a girl who looks exactly like you. In real life though, what I have typically done in a case like that is assume that the person thinks I can't dance, and go find a really good dancer, then come back and show off right in front of them. Because I'm small-minded like that. And I've also been known to remember that person who wouldn't dance with me on August 10, 1955, and would subsequently not want to dance with them ever again. Don't be like me. Just assume the person who turned you down can't handle your radiant beauty at the moment and needs a few seconds to adjust. They are, after all, only human.
3. Don't apologize. This is something I do all. the. time. and I wish I would stop. When things go wrong in a dance, I still apologize, even though I say in every class, and I said in item #1 above, the lead is the lead. Your job is to follow the directions given. If the directions are vague, confusing, conflicting, or come too late, you just can't do it. It's not your fault. It's not even really the lead's fault--they are figuring it all out, too. So just roll with it. Don't apologize. Own it and on rolling. 
4. Develop your frame, but stay relaxed. Oh, the big conundrum! This is like the holy grail of all forms of social dance. In order to dance with a partner (either as a lead or a follow), we have to have dance frame, or energy, across our core and upper bodies. Without the frame, leads can't effectively send information and follows can't act on it. It's like dancing with a drunk toddler. But if we get too much frame, then we're like C-3PO from Star Wars. In case you aren't as much of a nerd as I am, I included a photo. 

   

   Droids would have a little too
   much dance frame.

   The trick is finding the happy medium. Energy when we need it, relaxation when we don't. The only way you can find that medium is by actually dancing and having helpful leads who will give you feedback. Sometimes it's hard to hear, but it helps. Early on, a lead I really liked (and still do!) told me, "You know, it's really hard to lead a Whip, or pretty much anything, if you don't have frame." Point taken. I worked on framing up. Then I went too far. I got to a point where I was more like Goldenrod in the photo on the right. I went to workshops, and apparently guys felt their poor little arms being ripped out of the sockets. So sad. They would ask me to relax, loosen up, etc. And apparently I finally found the sweet spot, because just this week at the same dance, I had two (TWO) people tell me I was the only woman at that venue they could dance with and not have to worry about getting their arms ripped off. That's really more like Chewbacca's thing, but I was pretty happy to hear the feedback. I mentally patted myself on the back, and I felt like I could happily retire my dance shoes at that moment. But I won't, because I still have so much more to figure out. Like freestyling. And what to do when leads go on a footwork tangent. But these are topics for another day!

Chewbacca might have good rhythm,
but he really could rip your arms off.

Last tip: take lessons. We have new classes starting frequently. Check out http://www.gottaswing.com/fredericksburg-va/, and if you aren't in Fredericksburg, Gottaswing has classes all over the DMV area. And if you aren't there, use Google and find some classes near you! And then get out and find some social dances, and just dance as much as you can.

If you have more helpful tips for follows, you can post them as comments.

Top Five Reasons Why People Don't Take Dance Lessons. And Why You Should

It's almost time for our dance lessons to start again, which means I have been trying to convince people to sign up for them. Which, in turn, means that I have been hearing all the top reasons why people turn me down. No judgement, now. Maybe dancing just isn't your thing, and that's totally fine. But if dancing is your thing, but you think there's a roadblock, I want to remove that block for you.

So here are some of the most common reasons people tell me they can't dance, followed by my responses to them. If any of these are your reasons, I hope my responses convince you that you should be dancing!

If you really have two left feet,
you have more serious problems
than lack of dancing skills

1. I have two left feet. Really? Where do you buy your shoes? I think you actually have a right and a left. You just don't actually know which one is which yet. And that's ok, because as I know from teaching exercise classes, I frequently do not know which is my left or right, either. So I often say, use the foot on the water-fountain side of the room. Muscle memory is a huge part of the process. It's just like tying your shoes. The first time you do it, you have to think about the little rabbit going over the log and into the hole, but after you do it 35 times, you never have to think about it again. 
2. I have no rhythm. Rhythm is a learned skill. It certainly comes easier for some people than others. Those that played an instrument have an advantage. But even if you can't find a beat with both hands, we have drills to help with that. Another strategy that helps anyone is just listening to music and trying isolate the sound of the drum within the song. Even if you aren't 100% successful at the beginning, your ears are learning.

   

   Musicians on a beach in Havana

3. I don't have a partner. Don't tell the married people I said this, but you are almost better off NOT having a partner when you start dancing. You will meet a lot of new friends. You will have no guilt about dancing with everyone. No one will be jealous if you start chatting with your new friends after class. You will be able to rotate freely among the other dancers and ask as many questions of them as you want. We change partners often in class for many reasons. It helps everyone learn, and it also helps defuse tension when maybe married couples aren't entirely agreeing on how a move should be done. So don't worry about showing up solo. You'll fit right in. (That is how I started, too).
• The corollary of this issue is 3A: I do have a partner, and I love him/her so much, I don't want to share/rotate. That's OK too. You can come to a Saturday dance and take a beginner lesson. We'll let you step out of the rotation. However, we have found through our extensive experience that our ongoing weekly lessons work best when all the couples rotate. SO, if you can't bear to be away from your sweetie, we offer two options. Option 1) Arrange a private lesson for just the two of you. I charge $60/hour, and I pro-rate for any segment of the hour. Option 2) You can put together a whole group of your attached friends, and we'll set up a special, non-rotating, semi-private lesson at your location or ours. Oooh, l'amour 💕💕
4. I am too old. No one is ever too old to dance. Check out our heartthrob, the lovely Jean Veloz, at 93. Sure, learning a new skill at an older age may take you a little longer than it did in your youth, but it also helps protect your brain's health.
5. I have no coordination. Um, No coordination? Really? Can you walk? Run? Bike? Swim? All these things require a lot of coordinated movement. It's just that you mastered those skills long ago. The only thing that stands between you and dancing is learning to dance is time and repetition, so I hope to see you out there soon on the dance floor and in our classes!

To register for our dance classes, you can sign up online at http://www.gottaswing.com/fredericksburg-va/. If you have any questions or if you'd .like to set up a private or personal group lesson, please email me at valerie.cox.webber@gmail.com.

A Little Advice for Dance Leads

I've been teaching social dance for about six years now. Over the years, I've given a lot of dance advice to both leads and follows. This post is specifically for leads, but I'll do another one for follows later.

I often say that the ladies don't care how many moves you have. We really don't. I watch guys dancing sometimes, and I can tell they are trying to "impress" a follow who is either very attractive or a very good dancer (or both!) by throwing their whole repertoire of moves at her. But here's the thing: Follows aren't just dancers. We're people. So we don't just love the moves, we like the conversation. And there are two parts to this. One, the dance itself is a conversation. Two, sometimes, we like actual conversation. As in, talking to other people.

I'll start with the second part of that statement. For leads who are really brand new beginners, it can be challenging to talk and dance at the same time. We get that. It's easy to lose the beat once you let your focus go, and that's ok. But once you get sort of comfortable and are able to do a basic step and talk at the same time, it is really nice if you can talk to your follow while dancing. "Where are you from? Do you come here often?" Are some nice, simple and general conversation starters. If you like the person, you can say nice things like, "Wow, you are a really good dancer," or "You have such a great smile!" But you know, keep an eye out for cues that you might be making her uncomfortable and be ready to shift to benign topics of conversation like traffic and weather.

Ok, on to the second part of the conversation. The dance itself is a conversation between two people, and between the music and the dancers. The dancers don't even have to speak a word of the same verbal language to be able to communicate ideas and emotions through dance. Meanwhile, the song is communicating things through rhythms, words, pauses, breaks and syncopations that you can choose to listen to or ignore. So as a follow, I like it when my lead is actually working with me like an instrument in expressing a conversational idea suggested by the music through the dance. It's like we're collaborating together to create a poem. We're conversing together to make something happen, with purpose, and that's awesome.

Where this conversation all goes wrong is when leads begin to throw all their moves at the follow without a discernible rhyme or reason. Think about it this way: a poet uses words within a structure to convey meaning to an audience. Without that structure or meaning, you might as well be reading words off a GRE prep-course vocabulary list. It's meaningless and possibly overwhelming. The dance equivalent is a lead who just throws out one move after another after another, of increasing complexity, without any particular intention or connection to the music, the mood, or the follow. As the follow, what is usually happening on my end is that my hair is getting totally messed up and after 30 seconds or so, it has all come out of its pins and hairspray and I can't even see anymore. I'm getting really dizzy because this generally involves me spinning about 1,000 times. Often, there are blinding spotlights or strobe lights going on, so it's quite disorienting, and I have a hard time finding my partner as I come out of turns. Sometimes a wardrobe malfunction occurs (like a broken zipper or strap), which can be catastrophic. As a general rule, any dance that requires an immediate visit to the ladies room to adjust my clothing/hair/makeup is not a dance I will want to repeat. And by the way, guys, the girls talk in the powder room. If I'm in there re-pinning my hair, and asking for a safety pin to fix my dress, the other 10 girls in the restroom are going to know why and who.

Everyone is different, and I can't speak for all the follows out there. Also, it's important to remember that performances are one thing. Social dancing is quite another. But one of the instructors I like the best frequently offers this simple advice: "Guys, the less you do, the better it is for her." It's great advice. Not to be boring, not at all. But to make sure that whatever you do has a reason within the conversation. Just like a poet would never randomly throw out some big words because he thought they made him sound smart--whatever moves you do should make sense, with the follow, with the music, with the mood. Or in other words, keep it simple.

A Haiku For Confusing Dancers
Juxtapose
Frotnight Oblong Hence
Otherworldly

Big words. But they make no sense. Likewise, you may have lots of $500 moves*, but you don't need to throw them all into one 3-minute dance. Maybe use one per song. Focus on a great basic. Make your partner feel secure. Talk to the lady, if possible. If not, smile and nod encouragingly. Listen to the music, feel the music, and communicate what you hear in the music to her.

* A $500 move is what I call a the one move you retain from a weekend dance conference. You pay $500 for the conference. You go to workshops and dances all weekend. You get informational overload. You forget 98% of what you learned, but you do remember that one really cool move taught by international dancing superstar so-and-so. That one move you retained, therefore, cost you $500. These moves are generally fairly flashy and nice in a performance or choreography, or with your regular partner who knows what to expect, but quite difficult to lead successfully in a social dancing situation with a stranger.

DanceFXBG and LindyintheBurg: Updates and Changes

Lots of things have changed in our dance world over the past few months.

First off, we are now the proud parents of a bouncing baby dance studio! We have signed the lease on 1145 Jefferson Davis Hwy, the spot that used to be DanceTrance, and where we have had our dances and lessons for most of 2016. Our new business name is DanceFXBG.

We are using a spot that was once a DanceTrance studio, and their old sign is still there. But our new DanceFXBG sign was just approved by the city, so it will be installed soon. In the meantime, if you are trying to find us, that's where we'll be. Right across from the Hyatt hotel in Eagle Village, conveniently located walking distance from the University of Mary Washington and Blackstone Coffee.

Our class offerings are in the process of a major overhaul. You can check the calendar on DanceFXBG.com to see what we have in October, but we are looking to expand the course offerings in November and in the new year, bringing lots of fun dance styles and dance-related fitness classes to the studio. Right now, in addition to our swing dance classes and Saturday dance parties, I teach BarreBody (a fusion of Ballet, Yoga and Pilates) and Yoga a few times a week.

We have subcontractors using the space who teach square dance, line dancing and hip-hop. On Wednesday nights, we have a ballroom dance instructor doing drop-in lessons. Later in October, we will start offering belly dance. In November, jazz fusion for kids.

We are actively seeking new dance forms and instructors for the studio, so if you have any ideas or know of a group that needs a place to dance in Fredericksburg, please send them our way!

In the coming weeks, our social media and messaging will be changing over to DanceFXBG, but it's still the same super-fun, family-oriented, socially engaging thing it's always been.

Thanks for all your awesome support over the years, and I hope to see you at a dance or class some time soon!

Changing partners

We always rotate partners in our dance classes. About once every other month, we run into a couple that is strongly opposed to changing partners, and we hear comments like, "I came here to dance with her/him!" Although we certainly respect everyone's wishes and preferences, I did just want to take a moment to explain a few of the reasons why we change partners in dance classes:

• You learn far more dancing with a variety of people than you do dancing only with one person. 
• Dancing is a fun social activity, and when you change partners you get to know all the people in the room, not just the one you came with.
• When both of you are struggling with a new move, switching partners and working with someone who "gets it" will help you both figure it out faster.
• Changing partners makes it possible for singles and those whose partners are away or not interested in dancing to participate.
• We have found that people treat strangers a little differently than their spouses: there is often a stronger layer of politeness and less likelihood of frustration when we continually rotate partners.

Every so often, we come into a situation where everyone at an event is already partnered-off, like a couples-only evening. In those cases, we will sometimes skip the rotation process. We have found that when we keep couples together, the learning process tends to go slower and we hear a greater degree of agitation from the students (along the lines of: "John, you're doing it wrong!").

There are some cases in which we do not rotate partners, for example, any kind of aerial move (in which one of the partners is completely relying on the other for support. High-risk maneuvers are best reserved for the person who has to live with the consequences of possibly dropping their partner.

So what do you do if you feel very strongly that you only want to dance with your husband/wife? All is not lost: you can come to the dances and participate in the pre-dance intro lesson. Simply pull over to the side with your main squeeze, and stay out of the path of rotation. 

If one partner has a medical condition that would make changing partners dangerous--for example, a rotator-cuff injury that requires special adaptations of the moves--then we may be able to have you step aside during the regular 8-week class, but in this situation, you are probably better served by doing private lessons.

If you want a 100 percent guarantee you will never have to change partners, you can always take private lessons. However, at some point, you will probably have to dance at least with the instructor when you or your partner reach a point that you need more than verbal and visual instruction.

As formerly one of the most-shy people on the planet, I do understand that it can seem awkward, in the beginning, to have to be in close contact with unknown humans. But that awkwardness dissipates pretty fast. You are only touching the other person's hand and shoulder, and there is always space between you--or at least there should be. In swing dancing, it's not even as close contact as hugging. Every once in 1000 people, you may run across someone who gets a little too close or makes you feel uncomfortable. In that case, you have the easy out of just sitting out the rest of the dance and not ever dancing with that person again. However, in all the years I have been dancing, only once have I ever stopped in the middle of a dance, and that was just because the guy picked me up three consecutive times in one dance, even after I had told him not to.

As I said earlier, I try to respect everyone's views, but I would invite the rotationally hesitant to consider the spirit of social dancing: growing and improving as a dancer relies on learning from others. Plus, there are so many physical, emotional, social and mental benefits that you can reap from reacting to new people on the dance floor. Last but not least, most guys only have seven dance moves. As a follow, dancing with 30 guys in one night exposes you to 210 moves. Guys get to use their seven moves on 30 women, adding an element of freshness to every dance.

Best of all, after you dance with a few other people and you return to your life-mate, you often feel a surge of gratitude and appreciation for your partner, as in, "Now I remember why you are my favorite dance partner in the entire world! It's like we can read each other's minds!"

So I hope that you will consider partner changing, at least in dance class, as an opportunity instead of a barrier. And if you still don't want to rotate, we would be happy to do private lessons with you!

Crazy little thing called swing

Charles Dickens had no idea he was summing up my 30s when he said, “It was the best of times; it was the worst of times.” I was newly divorced, which was a good and bad thing at the same time. I was finding my own feet again. My kids were young, and their father and I had arranged for shared physical custody. So they spent half their time with me and half with him—kind of like the arrangement Demeter had with Hades over Persephone. Except my kids aren’t Greek gods, but it still sort of felt like the summer bloomed when they arrived, and winter’s frost settled in when they left.

While they were away, I had plenty of time to get into trouble. But mostly, I worked. I worked at work, then I worked out at the gym. I came home and ate lentil soup, and then I worked at my freelance job until I fell asleep on my sofa, usually on top of the laptop.

It sounds like I had no social life, but that's not true. I dated a series of high-quality individuals. I can’t say what happened to any of them, but I would guess that they are still stoutly holding down barstools around town.

After spinning my wheels in this manner for a couple of years, I eventually developed a new axiom about my life. If I didn’t really love it, I was not going to waste my time on it. This applied to food, clothes, and relationships. I stopped eating at Chick Fil-A, figuring I would not really starve before I could get home and cook an egg. I stopped spending money on mediocre clothes, knowing that I had enough in the closet to avoid an arrest for indecent exposure, and I didn’t have money to waste on items that would sit in the back of the closet unworn. Lastly, I stopped hanging around with people who really didn’t have time for me, because they needed to spend quality time with their beverage of choice. 

I realized that spending time with unsuitable people did not, in fact, make me a better person by comparison.

Changing my standards created a lot more free time in my life, and I decided to fill that with something I had always wanted to do: learning to dance. I had grown up dancing. I took ballet classes whenever I could, and when I couldn’t, I danced around the living room. The only thing I did more than dance as a kid was write. As a young adult, I took ballet and jazz. But I had never learned how to dance as a couple. My first husband and the people I dated were anti-dance, so I would have had to choose between my guy and my hobby. In retrospect, that may not have been a bad thing.

Joel and I after we'd been dancing together for a few years.

With ample free time and no one to stop me, I started taking ballroom dance classes at The Ballroom in Centreville, VA. I went to their Friday night dances. Everyone made me feel welcome. The experienced people asked me to dance. I socialized. I stayed until the dances ended, and I went out for late dinner with the dancers afterward.

Although I enjoyed all the dance styles, I loved swing music the best. It's such a happy beat. I don't understand how anyone can be depressed or bored when listening to "In the Mood." I knew I wanted to learn more swing dance, so I signed up for the Ballroom's classes. 

Then there was Christmas 2008. My kids were at their dad's house. I had spent my Christmas day watching a "Rocky" marathon, and then I traveled about an hour to a ballroom dance in Chevy Chase. I waited 30 minutes on a dark, 30-degree street corner before someone (not the host) opened the door. They had to call the host at home, and it took him another half-hour to arrive. This spectacular event was attended by approximately six other people. It was a Merry Christmas party indeed.

The day after Christmas was a Friday. The Ballroom's regular Friday night dance was canceled. 

I went online and found swing dance in Herndon--another hour drive. I didn't really want to venture out that December 26. It was raining. I didn't know exactly where I was going. I was tired, and I could feel the stringy black fingers of depression trying to drag me down into the sofa. But faced with a choice between 1) sheets of rain and 2) another movie marathon followed by falling asleep on the sofa, I suited up and went out. 

The rain fell so hard it was disorienting. My Mapquest directions led me to an exit that didn't exist. I drove up and down the same five miles of Rt. 28 in Herndon for half an hour before I decided to give up and go home. And then I heard a Voice in my head. You know that Voice. It's the quiet one, the one that's not your own. The one you have to listen to. "You are not going home," it said. "You are going to find this dance."

So I kept looking. I found the dance, and I fell in love. The love grew over several years of Gottaswing classes and weekend workshops around the country. It was the music, it was the joy of being surrounded by 20 or 40 or 400 swing dancers who didn't really care about anyone else's clothing labels, car, or conversational skills. Dancing and the music occupy so much of your mind, there is no space left over to think about whatever thing was bothering you during the day. Even though I didn't really know what I was doing at that first dance, I was a witness to joy. And a great love was born. Between me and the music and the dancers, and everyone who helps keep this thing alive. (That was also where I met my husband. But that's another story)

That is how I got into swing dance. I'd love to hear your story.

Beginner-friendly swing dance music

About halfway through our eight-week beginner swing dance lessons, students usually start asking me for recommendations of practice music. You might think, like many people do in the beginning, that you can only swing dance to jazz standards like “Tuxedo Junction” or “Pennsylvania 6-5000.”

Although these are great swing dance songs, you don’t have to limit yourself to the top hits of the 1930s and '40s. As you begin to attend swing dances, you’ll start hearing songs that are a good tempo for you, or that make your feet start moving. These songs might come from every decade from 1920 to today. The best way to find what works is by going to dances and attempting to work with all the music.

Tempos

Once I became a fairly proficient swing dancer, all I wanted to do was dance at the speed of sound. I cared nothing for footwork; I just wanted to kick step and Charleston—basically throw myself into a centrifuge and hold on for dear life.

However, once I started going to more weekend workshops, traveling and teaching, I eventually began to appreciate the slower tempos. I realized that there was something so smooth and sexy about the relaxed, jazzy/bluesy tunes. You can do swivels at a slower speed. You can milk a swing-out for everything it’s worth. You can actually keep your arms attached to your shoulders. You can last an entire night without experiencing heart palpitations.

Your hair’s on fire

As a swing dance DJ, I have noticed that the songs that absolutely pack the floor are between 170 and 200 beats per minute. These are songs like “Americano,” “Jump, Jive and Wail,” “Flip, Flop and Fly” and “Rock Around the Clock.” I love these songs and dancing to them is often a pure expression of exuberance and love for the song, dance, and life in general.

However, I have also noticed that the technical quality my dancing deteriorates as the energy level of the music increases. Don’t get me wrong—I love the fast stuff—but I like it once every five or six songs. I don’t want to do it all night. For one thing, it would kill me. For another, I actually like doing the footwork.

A walk in the park

A good “cruising speed” for swing dance is around 140-160 beats per minute. In this range, you’ll find “Crazy Little Thing Called Love,” “All Shook Up,” and “Stompin’ at the Savoy.” These are nice, comfortable tempos with lots of popular songs that will not induce heart attacks.

Smooth, slow and easy

I like to keep our beginner class playlist around 100-140 beats per minute, and I mingle this tempo into the dance playlists. I sometimes hear some experienced dancers complain about these low tempos, because they are very comfortable at the “hold onto your hair” speed. I would encourage experienced high-speed dancers to take advantage of the slower tempos to catch their breath, to really execute their footwork, to connect with their partners, and to have some improvisational fun.

Some of my low-octane favorites

Following are the songs that I would recommend to beginners as they practice their new moves. I would also recommend them for experienced dancers who want to focus on footwork variations. Many of these songs have fun musical elements that make for great improvisation, but you’ll only catch them if you are familiar with the music, so listen to the songs when you aren’t dancing, like when you’re driving around town or singing in the shower. Just don’t start dancing in the shower. You could slip and fall and hurt yourself, and then you won’t be dancing at all.

• Gimme a Pigfoot, La Vern Baker, from LaVern Baker Sings Bessie Smith https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/gimme-a-pigfoot/id342386008?i=342386020
• My Baby Just Cares for Me,  Indigo Swing, from the album Indigo Swing https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/my-baby-just-cares-for-me/id264894648?i=264894823
• Why Don’t You Do Right, Peggy Lee, from the Best of Peggy Lee https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/why-dont-you-do-right/id16507118?i=16506961
• Ain’t That Love, Ray Charles, from Ray Charles https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/aint-that-love/id46592114?i=46592118
• Addicted to Love, Robert Palmer, from Hard Rock Café: Party Rock Classics https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/addicted-to-love/id375224175?i=375224325
• The Wanderer, Dion, from Runaround Sue https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/the-wanderer/id16559004?i=16558865 
• Knock Me a Kiss, Louis Jordan, from No Moe! Louis Jordan’s Greatest Hits https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/knock-me-a-kiss/id36277?i=36253
• Is You Is or Is You Ain’t My Baby, Louis Jordan, from No Moe! Louis Jordan’s Greatest Hits https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/is-you-is-or-is-you-aint-my-baby/id36277?i=36243
• Mr. Five By Five, Freddie Slack and His Orchestra, from Great Songs of WWII https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/mr.-five-by-five/id473340799?i=473341125

There are countless more songs in the slow and sexy tempo range and I would love to hear your recommendations!

How not to be a wallflower

When I first started dancing, I used to spend a lot of time holding up the wall around the edge of the dance. This was partly my own choice: I was intimidated by the repertoire of the other dancers, and I was scared that I would not be able to keep up. The part that was outside my own choice was that I was a “new person,” with an unfamiliar face: an unknown quantity.

For regular dancers, the simplest course of action is to look for familiar faces and locate people you recognize and have danced with before. When you are a new face, the regulars in that scene may skip right over you in preference of someone they recognize. This is just simple human nature. People are scared of what’s new. They are scared of being turned down. They are scared that you will expose them to injury, and they are scared that you might be a better dancer than they are. Most of all, they are terrified because you are a total smokin’ hottie.

Okay, I don’t actually know if you’re a smokin’ hottie, because I can’t see you. But I have seen lots of highly attractive humans at dances get passed over in favor of more average-looking people. Therefore, I believe that it is more intimidating to ask insanely attractive people to dance. So I would like you to substitute any negative self-talk you may have with “I am so hot that I am scaring people off.” In this way, we can work toward making you more approachable.

This post is intended to help you be approachable and keep your dance card full in an unfamiliar scene. If you have been dancing in the same place regularly for more than three months and people still aren’t dancing with you, there are two possibilities. Either the people in your scene are total butt-heads, or you are doing something to put people off. If I were you, I would ask your local dance host or hostess for guidance. It could be that, without your knowledge or permission, your face contorts into a “scary guy at the grocery store” grimace when you are dancing. And you can fix that.

Assuming the people in your dance scene are not butt-heads, you just need to overcome the initial hurdle of being new. Here are some tips I have learned. They can be easily broken into what I call the three A’s: Appearance, Actions, and Attitude.

Appearance

Although we like to think our natural awesomeness shines straight through our skin to the outside, sometimes people need a little help seeing it. This is the whole reason the field of marketing exists: it’s all about taking a product and getting people to buy it. We are trying to sell you as a dancer. Following are some superficial marketing tips I have learned over time, with hard experience.

The first set of appearance rules should go without saying. But they don’t. Take a shower before you go out. If that’s not possible, at least by God, put on a clean shirt and some deodorant. Brush your teeth and your hair. Make an effort. You are naturally gorgeous; you just have to stop distracting people from that fact. Remember that others will be in direct contact with you; so bring extra clean shirts along with you, and a towel so that you can mop up if you are a heavy sweater.

Many dances have theme nights. Find out if the one you are attending will have one. This is pretty simple to do: if you saw an ad in the paper or online, there is probably some method of contact, like a phone number or email address. Contact the host. Ask about themes or what people wear. This will not only get you in the loop, but you will also be able to talk to at least one person who will be there. If there is a theme, do it. Dressing to the theme shows that you are willing to take a risk to help contribute to the general success of an event. It says you don’t take yourself too seriously. It also takes some guts.

The first time I went to a swing dance, it was an after-Christmas pajama dance. I went by myself. At the time, I only knew a little ballroom swing, which is like high school football compared to the NFL. I knew no one at the dance, which had about 180 attendees. I showed up all alone, wearing pajamas. This tactic worked out for me. I met the man who would become my husband. Results may vary. I cannot guarantee that you will meet your future life partner if you wear pajamas to a dance with 180 strangers.

If there is no theme, you can never go wrong with vintage wear at a swing dance. It makes you look like you know what you’re doing, even if you don’t. It’s excellent packaging.

Lastly, and this feeds into my next section: smile. Think about your body language. If I am scanning a room, looking for someone to ask to dance, I am going to ask the person who is right near the edge of the dance floor, watching everyone, looking happy and enthusiastic, and preferably dancing in place.

Attitude

The unfamiliar dancers I most love are the people who totally surprise me—these amazing dancers who quietly participate in the beginner lesson, politely listen to everything I have to say, and then when we start dancing, they bust out kick-ass, super-smooth Lindy Hop moves.

Why do I love these folks? Because they don’t come at me with “I am a professional competitive dancer. I have danced all over the world!” They let me discover that.

I also like brand-new beginners who tell me they are beginners right off the bat. I told people that I was a beginner for the first six months I was dancing. I figured that way, I was lowering their expectations to the least possible point, and anything good I could do would be a pleasant surprise. Most experienced dancers will encourage newbies and offer tons of praise and positive reinforcement, but if you try to shove your awesomeness at them, they can turn on you quickly, becoming judgmental and critical instead.

The moral of the story? Be humble. Be nice. Don’t act like you own the dance floor. Oh yeah, and smile. A lot. Tell everyone you are having a good time, and what a nice dance it is. Everyone likes to hear good things about their community.

Actions

Ask people to dance. Whether you are a girl or guy makes no difference. In the beginning of my dancing days, I was too shy and also scared of people to ask guys to dance very often. With time, my dancing got better and my confidence grew. Now, I would say that I ask guys to dance about four out of five dances. The other one dance, the guy asks me.

Taking the first step works because everyone in the room is also shy and somewhat scared. As the asker, you have the opportunity to pick and choose someone you want to dance with. Instead of picking the “best looking guy in the room,” I suggest that ladies watch the other ladies dancing. Check out the one girl in the room who, in that one dance, looks totally awesome. As soon as the song is done, go ask her partner for a dance. You may have to stalk him, sneaking up near him as you hear the song getting ready to end.

Guys can select an excellent partner by checking out the faces of the leads on the dance floor. If you see a guy who is dancing well, looks very relaxed and has a pleasant expression on his face (he might even be smiling and making conversation), make sure you ask his current partner to dance. If the guy has his face wound up in an expression of extreme concentration or pain, well, his shoes might be too tight, or maybe he ate an entire meatball sub right before the dance and is in a lot of intestinal pain.

Since I eavesdrop on a lot of other people, I often hear that this or that scene is very cliquey, and when you go there, no one will dance with you. I would ask those same people how often they take the first step and ask others to dance.

I have noticed in many clubs that you need to get out on the floor so that people standing around see you dancing and not killing anyone. Since another human has agreed to dance with you, and their face is not screwed up in a horrible grimace of pain (unless it always looks that way), soon other folks will decide to do the same.

Once you actually start dancing, the onus is on you to help that person enjoy the 3.5 minutes they spend with you. Smile. A lot. Keep your hands relaxed. Ask their name. Use a simple association to try to remember that name. Ask where they learned to dance. Tell them nice things like, “Wow, you have a really nice swingout,” or whatever is both positive and true. Watch their face (without being creepy about it) and make sure they appear to be relaxed and comfortable. Thank them at the end of the dance, and use their name that you so effectively remembered.

Oh yeah, did I say smile? 

I'd love to hear from you...what other tips have you found to help improve your dancing marketability?