How not to be a wallflower

When I first started dancing, I used to spend a lot of time holding up the wall around the edge of the dance. This was partly my own choice: I was intimidated by the repertoire of the other dancers, and I was scared that I would not be able to keep up. The part that was outside my own choice was that I was a “new person,” with an unfamiliar face: an unknown quantity.

For regular dancers, the simplest course of action is to look for familiar faces and locate people you recognize and have danced with before. When you are a new face, the regulars in that scene may skip right over you in preference of someone they recognize. This is just simple human nature. People are scared of what’s new. They are scared of being turned down. They are scared that you will expose them to injury, and they are scared that you might be a better dancer than they are. Most of all, they are terrified because you are a total smokin’ hottie.

Okay, I don’t actually know if you’re a smokin’ hottie, because I can’t see you. But I have seen lots of highly attractive humans at dances get passed over in favor of more average-looking people. Therefore, I believe that it is more intimidating to ask insanely attractive people to dance. So I would like you to substitute any negative self-talk you may have with “I am so hot that I am scaring people off.” In this way, we can work toward making you more approachable.

This post is intended to help you be approachable and keep your dance card full in an unfamiliar scene. If you have been dancing in the same place regularly for more than three months and people still aren’t dancing with you, there are two possibilities. Either the people in your scene are total butt-heads, or you are doing something to put people off. If I were you, I would ask your local dance host or hostess for guidance. It could be that, without your knowledge or permission, your face contorts into a “scary guy at the grocery store” grimace when you are dancing. And you can fix that.

Assuming the people in your dance scene are not butt-heads, you just need to overcome the initial hurdle of being new. Here are some tips I have learned. They can be easily broken into what I call the three A’s: Appearance, Actions, and Attitude.

Appearance

Although we like to think our natural awesomeness shines straight through our skin to the outside, sometimes people need a little help seeing it. This is the whole reason the field of marketing exists: it’s all about taking a product and getting people to buy it. We are trying to sell you as a dancer. Following are some superficial marketing tips I have learned over time, with hard experience.

The first set of appearance rules should go without saying. But they don’t. Take a shower before you go out. If that’s not possible, at least by God, put on a clean shirt and some deodorant. Brush your teeth and your hair. Make an effort. You are naturally gorgeous; you just have to stop distracting people from that fact. Remember that others will be in direct contact with you; so bring extra clean shirts along with you, and a towel so that you can mop up if you are a heavy sweater.

Many dances have theme nights. Find out if the one you are attending will have one. This is pretty simple to do: if you saw an ad in the paper or online, there is probably some method of contact, like a phone number or email address. Contact the host. Ask about themes or what people wear. This will not only get you in the loop, but you will also be able to talk to at least one person who will be there. If there is a theme, do it. Dressing to the theme shows that you are willing to take a risk to help contribute to the general success of an event. It says you don’t take yourself too seriously. It also takes some guts.

The first time I went to a swing dance, it was an after-Christmas pajama dance. I went by myself. At the time, I only knew a little ballroom swing, which is like high school football compared to the NFL. I knew no one at the dance, which had about 180 attendees. I showed up all alone, wearing pajamas. This tactic worked out for me. I met the man who would become my husband. Results may vary. I cannot guarantee that you will meet your future life partner if you wear pajamas to a dance with 180 strangers.

If there is no theme, you can never go wrong with vintage wear at a swing dance. It makes you look like you know what you’re doing, even if you don’t. It’s excellent packaging.

Lastly, and this feeds into my next section: smile. Think about your body language. If I am scanning a room, looking for someone to ask to dance, I am going to ask the person who is right near the edge of the dance floor, watching everyone, looking happy and enthusiastic, and preferably dancing in place.

Attitude

The unfamiliar dancers I most love are the people who totally surprise me—these amazing dancers who quietly participate in the beginner lesson, politely listen to everything I have to say, and then when we start dancing, they bust out kick-ass, super-smooth Lindy Hop moves.

Why do I love these folks? Because they don’t come at me with “I am a professional competitive dancer. I have danced all over the world!” They let me discover that.

I also like brand-new beginners who tell me they are beginners right off the bat. I told people that I was a beginner for the first six months I was dancing. I figured that way, I was lowering their expectations to the least possible point, and anything good I could do would be a pleasant surprise. Most experienced dancers will encourage newbies and offer tons of praise and positive reinforcement, but if you try to shove your awesomeness at them, they can turn on you quickly, becoming judgmental and critical instead.

The moral of the story? Be humble. Be nice. Don’t act like you own the dance floor. Oh yeah, and smile. A lot. Tell everyone you are having a good time, and what a nice dance it is. Everyone likes to hear good things about their community.

Actions

Ask people to dance. Whether you are a girl or guy makes no difference. In the beginning of my dancing days, I was too shy and also scared of people to ask guys to dance very often. With time, my dancing got better and my confidence grew. Now, I would say that I ask guys to dance about four out of five dances. The other one dance, the guy asks me.

Taking the first step works because everyone in the room is also shy and somewhat scared. As the asker, you have the opportunity to pick and choose someone you want to dance with. Instead of picking the “best looking guy in the room,” I suggest that ladies watch the other ladies dancing. Check out the one girl in the room who, in that one dance, looks totally awesome. As soon as the song is done, go ask her partner for a dance. You may have to stalk him, sneaking up near him as you hear the song getting ready to end.

Guys can select an excellent partner by checking out the faces of the leads on the dance floor. If you see a guy who is dancing well, looks very relaxed and has a pleasant expression on his face (he might even be smiling and making conversation), make sure you ask his current partner to dance. If the guy has his face wound up in an expression of extreme concentration or pain, well, his shoes might be too tight, or maybe he ate an entire meatball sub right before the dance and is in a lot of intestinal pain.

Since I eavesdrop on a lot of other people, I often hear that this or that scene is very cliquey, and when you go there, no one will dance with you. I would ask those same people how often they take the first step and ask others to dance.

I have noticed in many clubs that you need to get out on the floor so that people standing around see you dancing and not killing anyone. Since another human has agreed to dance with you, and their face is not screwed up in a horrible grimace of pain (unless it always looks that way), soon other folks will decide to do the same.

Once you actually start dancing, the onus is on you to help that person enjoy the 3.5 minutes they spend with you. Smile. A lot. Keep your hands relaxed. Ask their name. Use a simple association to try to remember that name. Ask where they learned to dance. Tell them nice things like, “Wow, you have a really nice swingout,” or whatever is both positive and true. Watch their face (without being creepy about it) and make sure they appear to be relaxed and comfortable. Thank them at the end of the dance, and use their name that you so effectively remembered.

Oh yeah, did I say smile? 

I'd love to hear from you...what other tips have you found to help improve your dancing marketability?